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Sex in the City

Of course, one needn’t rely on the Internet to find a mate. There are other, more creative ways — and Lauren, 42, a flight attendant in Deerfield Beach, has tried them all. “I’ve gone to sports bars during games because I know guys hang out there. I’ve gone to Publix in high heels and pushed a cart around. I’ve even volunteered at a hospital because I thought it would be a good way to meet doctors. But I ended up spending my days taking old people to get colonoscopies and never met one cute guy. All my co-volunteers were over70,” she laments. “I’m running out of options.” After running into a similar dating dead end, Viktoria, 30, took matters into her own hands. She launched South Florida Young Adults (www.southfloridayoungadults.com), a social group for professionals ages 21 through 39, in 2005 after moving from Hungary to South Florida and finding it difficult to make friends.

“The singles organizations I tried were either too pricey or they didn’t offer the kind of people I was interested in meeting,” she explains. “And dating services didn’t allow you to maintain friendships.” Today, her group includes more than 1,000 members,90 percent of whom are single. Membership costs a one-time fee of $99 and group events include barbecues, sporting events, canoe trips, scavenger hunts, board-game nights and the like.

Special-interest clubs, networking organizations and young professionals groups such as Victoria’s provide optimal opportunities for singles looking to meet mates or just make some new friends.

“Thank God for groups like this,” says Scott,34, who finds the majority of South Florida singles that he meets unfriendly. “Am I gonna meet the love of my life through this group? Maybe not. Will I meet fun people to do things with? Yes. If you’re tired of the same crap like me and my friends were, I suggest you check it out.”

BRINGING SEXY BACK

Singles polled for this article reflect how our attitudes toward sex and dating change as we age. Mirroring a national trend, a subset of liberal-minded 20-somethings are choosing hook-ups (a.k.a., casual sex) over commitment. This inclination is particularly prevalent among young women who prefer to channel their energies into building careers, but still want to have fun. “Hookups are pretty common,” explains Ally, a 27-year-old Plantation masseuse. “A girl will either go home with a stranger at a bar, or she’ll have three or four ‘friends with benefits’ that she’ll recycle.” Explains Alexis, 27, an attractive single therapist in Plantation: “Young women are confident enough these days where they can just hook up and move on. And while there is the danger that a woman will grow emotion-ally attached, most say it’s worth it,” she says. Still, even though women of all ages are claiming their orgasms, there is a catch-22associated with this newfound sexual independence, explains sex therapist Lori Saris.“ If you have sex with a man too soon, you’ve probably just blown your chances of a serious relationship because he now thinks you’re easy,” she says. “So now the woman is confident and wants to have sex, but she still has to wait. She has to do the relationship dance.” Living in sexually charged South Florida poses a particular challenge for conservative singles. “It’s difficult with my faith and values here because I don’t live in the Bible Belt,” says Renee, 32, a drama teacher and devout Christian. “When I tell men that I’m waiting for marriage to have sex, they say, ‘Oh, that’s cool, no problem.’ But when they realize I’m serious, they’re gone.”

Renee, along with many of the 30-some-thing females polled for this piece, is emotionally ready for a serious relationship. Consequently, her priorities have changed. “Back in my 20s I wanted someone who was six feet tall, had a six-pack, a nice car and didn’t live at home,” she says. “These days, the guy can be five-foot-six and have a little round belly. I’ll even date a guy with kids now, which I never would have done before. But he must have stability and comparable values. I will never compromise on that.”

Renee adds, “Unfortunately, guys my age are not ready to settle down. They want to go out, have a good time and hook up with as many women as possible. That is why I prefer older men. Hopefully, they have gotten that out of their system. I emphasize hopefully, because I am realistic.”

Indeed, Mother Nature has an odd sense of humor: As women in their 30s and 40s enter their sexual prime and/or are ready to settle down, many men of comparable age prefer dating women who are younger, more nubile and less demanding. “Guys my age want to date women 10to 15 years my junior,” groans Lauren, 42. “So my only choice is to go older, but I’m not attracted to older men. I’ve got men in their 60s checking me out and thinking they have a shot.”

Blame it on mid-life crises, says therapist Lori Sarvis. “When a man starts aging and grappling with life changes he starts looking for someone younger to make him feel better. Men who are commitment-phobic also find it easier to date younger women because they don’t place a lot of demands — they’re too busy trying to find them-selves,” she says. “On a smaller scale, women are doing the same thing — they’re making their own money and don’t want to depend on a man. But they still have needs, so they’ll find a younger guy who treats them well.”

Miriam, 45, made the conscious decision to re-main single. “I would rather remain independent and play the field,” she says. “I don’t really believe in monogamy. I don’t think there is one person who can fulfill everything for another person.”Adds Theresa, 37, a marketing director in Coral Springs, “If one more person asks me why I’m not married, I’m going to scream. Why should I have to depend on a man to make me happy?”