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Sex in the City

Miriam and Theresa are part of a growing national movement of strong-minded, successful women who have chosen not to marry. They call themselves Modern Spinsters, Spinsterel-las and Quirky alones, and have no problem purchasing houses solo, having babies out of wedlock and independently planning for retirement. They live happy and fulfilling lives, and enjoy poking fun at couples who make out in public.“ I’ve seen too many married couples appear to be happy when they’re really miserable,” says Lauren. “So I enjoy my friends and family. And I collect animals,” says the flight attendant, whose menagerie includes a bird and a dog. Each morning she walks them around her neighborhood in a stroller. “People think I’m nuts, but it makes me happy. And at least my pets aren’t on the Internet looking to see if there’s someone better out there!”

WHAT WOULD CARRIE BRADSHAW DO?

So the conundrum remains: What’s a decent singleton gotta do to meet a mate in this town? First and foremost: Know what you’re looking for. This may not be as simple as it sounds, and could require some introspection. “If your patterns of dating are not getting you anywhere, look at them and change them,” advises therapist Sarvis. “If you’re meeting the same people over and over who are not good for you, before you get back out there, you need to ask yourself what you’re doing to cause the cycle to keep repeating. It’s not the other person that’s the problem — it’s you.”

It’s also important to feel secure within yourself. If you don’t, it’s time to explore why. “If you don’t like yourself, how can you expect anyone else to like you?” posits Wendy Jenkins, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Sunrise.

“People will pick up on the negative energy.” Janet Sunshine, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Deerfield Beach, agrees. “I had a client, a good-looking male in his 20s, who worked at a gym where there were a lot of women. But, because he didn’t feel good about himself, he never met anyone. Work on liking yourself and you will project that on the outside.” She adds, “It’s interesting to note that while women worry that they do not have perfect bodies, men can be short, bald and fat and still think they’re wonderful — especially if they have money.” And try not to take everything so personally. Thick skin can be a wonderful dating tool.

“When a person goes on a date and doesn’t get a call back, he or she assumes there must be something wrong with them,” Sunshine explains. “The way I reframe it as that you can be a wonderful person who just doesn’t belong with that other person. It is no reflection on you.” It’s also important to give people a chance — that’s not to suggest you settle, but is the style of a person’s shoes really a good reason to write him off? “We all want that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling when we meet someone,” Sarvis says.

“But just because you don’t feel that right away doesn’t mean you forget about them. Give them a chance and get to know them.” Jenkins agrees: “How can you really know what a person is about after just one quick coffee date?” Relationship experts also suggest you remain aware of your surroundings.

“We could meet someone anywhere, but because we’re all in such a rush, we don’t look around,” Sarvis points out. “Stop and smile in the elevator. Say hello to the person down the hall from your office. There might be someone right under your nose, and you’ve just been too busy to notice.”

And if all else fails, take a break. “People can get very jaded, and the energy you release comes back to you,” says Sarvis. “If you’re not feeling good about dating right now, you probably won’t have much success. The most beautiful woman can walk into a bar and no one will approach her if she’s got a negative attitude. If you get to that point take a break, and learn to feel good about being on your own. Then get back out there.”

Lori Sarvis works at The Professional Counseling Center, 2151 W. Hillsboro Blvd., Suite 204, in Deerfield Beach. For more information, call (954) 426-0410.