Yes, Fort Lauderdale is hot, steamy, and sultry. But how does it stack up as a place to meet a mate? Here, a look at what it’s like for singles in their 20s, 30s, and 40s looking for love — or just hoping to hook up
By Felicia Levine M.S.W
FORT LAUDERDALE is celebrated for its sultry afternoons, pristine beaches and oceanfront scenery tailor-made for romance. So many beautiful people… so much potential for romance… so many really bad dates.
Julie, an attractive 36-year-old sales rep from Fort Lauderdale, dined with an attorney she’d met online. She ordered lobster. Big mistake. After loudly chastising her in the restaurant for ordering the most expensive item on the menu, her date called her a cab. Bewildered and humiliated, she fought back tears until her taxi finally arrived.
Joe, 41, a shy Dania Beach graphic designer, allowed a friend to fix him up. He drove more than an hour to meet his blind date, a physician, at a coffee shop. When he walked in, his date took one look at him and pulled an about-face. She said she’d been paged, needed to make a call and would be right back. She never returned. Sheila, 29, an intelligent business woman in Pompano Beach, allowed a man she’d met online to pick her up at home for their first date dinner date. She offered him a drink and left him in the kitchen while she retrieved her purse. Let’s just say her appetite was ruined. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are 315,165 single males and 385,166 single females in Broward County (that’s 70,001 more women than men, but who’s counting?)
Ask any of them — regardless of age, race or income — if it’s easy dating here, and they’ll likely snicker, roll their eyes or look as though you’ve just asked to borrow their new Lexus.“ It’s hard to meet quality people who want a meaningful relationship,” complains Mark,40, an attractive, successful business owner in Parkland. “There’s a better chance of being struck by lightning.”
Broward’s marriage-challenged population laments over obstacles such as a transient community and a superficial, party-till-you-drop mentality.
“It’s easy to hook up for sex,” says Miriam,45, who works in television production. “But along-term relationship? That’s difficult. A lot of people move here because they’re running from something else — they have no roots or emotional investment. They come to party,” she says.
“People in Fort Lauderdale are totally shallow,” observes Sally, 32, a pretty college student. “If you’re not drop-dead gorgeous and supermodel-thin with fake boobs, most men won’t even look at you.”
Rick, 43, a Deerfield Beach attorney, com-plains of surviving a tsunami of materialistic women. “For me, meeting someone who is attractive and not out for my money has been virtually impossible.”
Lori Sarvis, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and sex therapist, explains that Broward’s vast wealth is partly responsible for its rampant shallowness. “Where there is wealth, there is a quest for beauty,” she says. “And we have alot of rich men who like their women beautiful, tan and skinny. They can afford to buy a20-year-old her breast implants. For gold-diggers, both male and female, this is a wonderful place to live.”
No wonder Men’s Health magazine graded our region a big fat F on its recent list of the best cities to meet a mate.
Still, we at Las Olas prefer to see the proverbial glass as half-full. After all, misogynists, commitment-phobes and gold diggers do not discriminate by locale. In the time it takes to read this sentence, some unsuspecting single-ton is being duped, dumped or bamboozled. Oops, there goes another one.
But there are advantages to being single here. Really. For one thing, our tropical climate allows for year-round dating. We also boast a surplus of lively spots for both meeting and dating — in addition to the beach, Las Olas and downtown Fort Lauderdale, Broward’s suburban pockets offer their own universe of bars, restaurants and mega cineplexes.
And unlike, say, Peoria, we’ve got a population rich in cultural diversity. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the demographic breakdown of Broward singles includes172,840 blacks; 129,296 Hispanics and 343,986whites; plus an additional 54,209 singles from sundry minority groups. This allows for averitable smorgasbord of dating possibilities.
“I find Latin men very scrumptious,” says Renee, 32, a drama teacher in Sunrise. “But I’m attracted to all kinds of men — black, white, Asian, it doesn’t matter.” Zak, 38, a Jewish entrepreneur in Pompano, dates only Latin women “because they’re exotic, sexy and know how to treat a man,” he says.
Miriam, a Caucasian production executive in Hollywood who is bisexual, enjoys dating Latin and black men, as well as Latin women.“ This gives me more choices,” she explains. Renee and others embrace our multicultural mix. “There are so many opportunities to date outside your race. And if you do, you learn that the stereotypes are often untrue. Maybe not all Latin man are macho. Maybe not all white guys are freaky. You’re not boxed in.” Diversity and great weather — what more could you want?
THEY’RE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
What local singles want — and where they’re looking for it — depends on whom you ask: A22-year-old college student looking to party likely won’t run with the same crowd as a 35-year-old single mother of two.
Many of the 20-somethings we spoke with are avid daters, and identified college campuses and/or bars and nightclubs as their hangouts of choice. And while most cited their careers as being paramount to relation-ships, they’re still having a good time.
Of course, merriment can be subjective. “Me and my friends don’t have time for relationships, but we wanna have fun,” says Teresa, 23, a design student and proud owner of breast implants. “So we’ll go out, dress really hot and then see how many guys we can get to buy us drinks.”
Laments Scott, 34, an affable Margate computer tech, “Girls here are cold. Even the unattractive ones give you such attitude. It’s unbelievable.”
Ally, a Plantation masseuse and regular on the Fort Lauderdale club circuit, admits there exists a rampant superficiality in bars that gets irksome. “People want arm candy, and a lot of things are excusable as long as a guy or girl looks a certain way,” she says. “You’ll receive a lot of ingenuine compliments from people just wanting sex.”
Rachel, 29, a grant writer and graduate student, abhors the bar scene. “They’re like big meat markets,” she says. “Besides, online dating works much better with my busy schedule.” For Rachel and thousands of other romantically unencumbered professionals, web-based courtship has become their meeting mode of choice. Online dating sites such asMatch.com and eHarmony offer the ultimate convenience for singles juggling kids and/or careers, whose friends are all married, or who would simply rather undergo skin grafts than go near a nightclub.
A plethora of dating sites exists for every preference, and South Floridians are logging on. At the time this article went to press,Match.com claimed to have more than 50,000members in the Miami/Fort Lauderdale area. JDate.com, a site that targets the Jewish population, reported to have 16,000 members, while BlackSingles.com reported 9,000 members and singleparentsmingle.com reported800 members.
And there are success stories. Jennifer, 34,met her husband, Michael, on JDate eight years ago. “We were on our way to a restaurant for dinner and I remember saying to myself, ‘I may have met the man I am going to marry.’ I can’t explain it, but I has never felt that way before. You never know if Mr. Right is just the keyboard away.” Or Mr. Horribly Wrong. Many online users report frustration over a proliferation of misleading photos, deceptive profiles, and serial daters. And — surprise — some daters are even married. Consequently, a host of services has cropped up to combat the trickery. Sites like Truedater.com and Dont-DateHimGirl.com (for women only) provide forums for burned lovers to forewarn others against cads, liars and cheaters. A company called Intellus provides criminal and marital background checks for a fee.
Rachel, who’s been online dating for two months, remains underwhelmed by her experiences thus far. “Who I’m looking for is an educated, Jewish man with a stable career, sense of humor and who gets me,” she says. “Who I’m meeting are unstable commitment phobes who are not established in their careers and live with their mothers.” She recalls a guy she dated recently, who claimed to want a serious relationship. “He went from hot to cold very quickly. Then he broke up with me through a text message,” she recalls with a sigh. “I felt like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City when she got dumped with a Post-It note.”
Mark, 40, began online dating last January after his divorce from a 16-year marriage. “I was excited to get back out there, but didn’t realize it was going to be this hard to meet someone of quality,” says the father of two, who prefers dating women with children because be believes “they understand the challenges of parenthood.”
He describes meeting two types of women: those who are emotionally unavailable, and those who prefer bad boys. “The emotionally unavailable are usually those women who are financially independent and don’t care to commit to a relationship,” he says. “And the women who like the bad boys pretend they want good guys, but they don’t.”
Mark recalls sending flowers to a woman he’d dated four times. “I thought we were hitting it off, so I wrote in the card that I looked forward to getting to know her better,” he says. “She responded by telling me I was moving too fast. They were just flowers — I wasn’t proposing. It made me wonder if chivalry truly is dead.”
Bill, 46 of Coconut Creek, had an even more unsettling experience with a woman he’d met online and invited to dinner. He’d offered to meet her at the restaurant, but she insisted that he pick her up. “When I got to her house she handed me a Corona and started calculating how much it would cost for us to have sex. She was a hooker!” he recalls, still amazed. “I boogied on out of there like there was no tomorrow!” Other dating tales of terror abound: “The last woman I met for coffee weighed at least 50 pounds more than she did in her photo,” laments Joe, 48, a car salesman in Fort Lauderdale who belonged to eHarmony.com. “I mean, did she think I wouldn’t notice?”
Shawn, 41, a pastry chef in Parkland, canceled her membership to an online dating site after one too many men tried to engage her in cybersex. “These guys would instant-message me, say hello and then want to know what type of underwear I was wearing. Yuck.”
Perhaps the most startling story we heard came from Eric, 39, who thought he was meeting a woman out for coffee. “She turned out to be a male cross-dresser. She had these hairy arms and a deep voice,” bemoans Eric, who has since renounced online dating.
Of course, one needn’t rely on the Internet to find a mate. There are other, more creative ways — and Lauren, 42, a flight attendant in Deerfield Beach, has tried them all. “I’ve gone to sports bars during games because I know guys hang out there. I’ve gone to Publix in high heels and pushed a cart around. I’ve even volunteered at a hospital because I thought it would be a good way to meet doctors. But I ended up spending my days taking old people to get colonoscopies and never met one cute guy. All my co-volunteers were over70,” she laments. “I’m running out of options.” After running into a similar dating dead end, Viktoria, 30, took matters into her own hands. She launched South Florida Young Adults (www.southfloridayoungadults.com), a social group for professionals ages 21 through 39, in 2005 after moving from Hungary to South Florida and finding it difficult to make friends.
“The singles organizations I tried were either too pricey or they didn’t offer the kind of people I was interested in meeting,” she explains. “And dating services didn’t allow you to maintain friendships.” Today, her group includes more than 1,000 members,90 percent of whom are single. Membership costs a one-time fee of $99 and group events include barbecues, sporting events, canoe trips, scavenger hunts, board-game nights and the like.
Special-interest clubs, networking organizations and young professionals groups such as Victoria’s provide optimal opportunities for singles looking to meet mates or just make some new friends.
“Thank God for groups like this,” says Scott,34, who finds the majority of South Florida singles that he meets unfriendly. “Am I gonna meet the love of my life through this group? Maybe not. Will I meet fun people to do things with? Yes. If you’re tired of the same crap like me and my friends were, I suggest you check it out.”
BRINGING SEXY BACK
Singles polled for this article reflect how our attitudes toward sex and dating change as we age. Mirroring a national trend, a subset of liberal-minded 20-somethings are choosing hook-ups (a.k.a., casual sex) over commitment. This inclination is particularly prevalent among young women who prefer to channel their energies into building careers, but still want to have fun. “Hookups are pretty common,” explains Ally, a 27-year-old Plantation masseuse. “A girl will either go home with a stranger at a bar, or she’ll have three or four ‘friends with benefits’ that she’ll recycle.” Explains Alexis, 27, an attractive single therapist in Plantation: “Young women are confident enough these days where they can just hook up and move on. And while there is the danger that a woman will grow emotion-ally attached, most say it’s worth it,” she says. Still, even though women of all ages are claiming their orgasms, there is a catch-22associated with this newfound sexual independence, explains sex therapist Lori Saris.“ If you have sex with a man too soon, you’ve probably just blown your chances of a serious relationship because he now thinks you’re easy,” she says. “So now the woman is confident and wants to have sex, but she still has to wait. She has to do the relationship dance.” Living in sexually charged South Florida poses a particular challenge for conservative singles. “It’s difficult with my faith and values here because I don’t live in the Bible Belt,” says Renee, 32, a drama teacher and devout Christian. “When I tell men that I’m waiting for marriage to have sex, they say, ‘Oh, that’s cool, no problem.’ But when they realize I’m serious, they’re gone.”
Renee, along with many of the 30-some-thing females polled for this piece, is emotionally ready for a serious relationship. Consequently, her priorities have changed. “Back in my 20s I wanted someone who was six feet tall, had a six-pack, a nice car and didn’t live at home,” she says. “These days, the guy can be five-foot-six and have a little round belly. I’ll even date a guy with kids now, which I never would have done before. But he must have stability and comparable values. I will never compromise on that.”
Renee adds, “Unfortunately, guys my age are not ready to settle down. They want to go out, have a good time and hook up with as many women as possible. That is why I prefer older men. Hopefully, they have gotten that out of their system. I emphasize hopefully, because I am realistic.”
Indeed, Mother Nature has an odd sense of humor: As women in their 30s and 40s enter their sexual prime and/or are ready to settle down, many men of comparable age prefer dating women who are younger, more nubile and less demanding. “Guys my age want to date women 10to 15 years my junior,” groans Lauren, 42. “So my only choice is to go older, but I’m not attracted to older men. I’ve got men in their 60s checking me out and thinking they have a shot.”
Blame it on mid-life crises, says therapist Lori Sarvis. “When a man starts aging and grappling with life changes he starts looking for someone younger to make him feel better. Men who are commitment-phobic also find it easier to date younger women because they don’t place a lot of demands — they’re too busy trying to find them-selves,” she says. “On a smaller scale, women are doing the same thing — they’re making their own money and don’t want to depend on a man. But they still have needs, so they’ll find a younger guy who treats them well.”
Miriam, 45, made the conscious decision to re-main single. “I would rather remain independent and play the field,” she says. “I don’t really believe in monogamy. I don’t think there is one person who can fulfill everything for another person.”Adds Theresa, 37, a marketing director in Coral Springs, “If one more person asks me why I’m not married, I’m going to scream. Why should I have to depend on a man to make me happy?”
Miriam and Theresa are part of a growing national movement of strong-minded, successful women who have chosen not to marry. They call themselves Modern Spinsters, Spinsterel-las and Quirky alones, and have no problem purchasing houses solo, having babies out of wedlock and independently planning for retirement. They live happy and fulfilling lives, and enjoy poking fun at couples who make out in public.“ I’ve seen too many married couples appear to be happy when they’re really miserable,” says Lauren. “So I enjoy my friends and family. And I collect animals,” says the flight attendant, whose menagerie includes a bird and a dog. Each morning she walks them around her neighborhood in a stroller. “People think I’m nuts, but it makes me happy. And at least my pets aren’t on the Internet looking to see if there’s someone better out there!”
WHAT WOULD CARRIE BRADSHAW DO?
So the conundrum remains: What’s a decent singleton gotta do to meet a mate in this town? First and foremost: Know what you’re looking for. This may not be as simple as it sounds, and could require some introspection. “If your patterns of dating are not getting you anywhere, look at them and change them,” advises therapist Sarvis. “If you’re meeting the same people over and over who are not good for you, before you get back out there, you need to ask yourself what you’re doing to cause the cycle to keep repeating. It’s not the other person that’s the problem — it’s you.”
It’s also important to feel secure within yourself. If you don’t, it’s time to explore why. “If you don’t like yourself, how can you expect anyone else to like you?” posits Wendy Jenkins, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Sunrise.
“People will pick up on the negative energy.” Janet Sunshine, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Deerfield Beach, agrees. “I had a client, a good-looking male in his 20s, who worked at a gym where there were a lot of women. But, because he didn’t feel good about himself, he never met anyone. Work on liking yourself and you will project that on the outside.” She adds, “It’s interesting to note that while women worry that they do not have perfect bodies, men can be short, bald and fat and still think they’re wonderful — especially if they have money.” And try not to take everything so personally. Thick skin can be a wonderful dating tool.
“When a person goes on a date and doesn’t get a call back, he or she assumes there must be something wrong with them,” Sunshine explains. “The way I reframe it as that you can be a wonderful person who just doesn’t belong with that other person. It is no reflection on you.” It’s also important to give people a chance — that’s not to suggest you settle, but is the style of a person’s shoes really a good reason to write him off? “We all want that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling when we meet someone,” Sarvis says.
“But just because you don’t feel that right away doesn’t mean you forget about them. Give them a chance and get to know them.” Jenkins agrees: “How can you really know what a person is about after just one quick coffee date?” Relationship experts also suggest you remain aware of your surroundings.
“We could meet someone anywhere, but because we’re all in such a rush, we don’t look around,” Sarvis points out. “Stop and smile in the elevator. Say hello to the person down the hall from your office. There might be someone right under your nose, and you’ve just been too busy to notice.”
And if all else fails, take a break. “People can get very jaded, and the energy you release comes back to you,” says Sarvis. “If you’re not feeling good about dating right now, you probably won’t have much success. The most beautiful woman can walk into a bar and no one will approach her if she’s got a negative attitude. If you get to that point take a break, and learn to feel good about being on your own. Then get back out there.”
Lori Sarvis works at The Professional Counseling Center, 2151 W. Hillsboro Blvd., Suite 204, in Deerfield Beach. For more information, call (954) 426-0410.
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